The word tribe is being thrown around a lot lately. Tribe this, tribe that. Village here, village that. But what does it actually mean? Now I'm not going to go into a quaint analogy of what the word "tribe" means. You can google that yourself. But what I will do is go into what the word "tribe" means for me.
With Leo, I found it very hard to adjust to my new life. In previous posts, I've openly discussed my PND, and how I overcame it. But I wonder now, if I had a fantastic support system, if I'd even have had it altogether. On days where I felt like nothing would end, and how I would ever get through it, I was deflated. I felt like giving up. I never knew such a tiny person could have such a stranglehold over your life. Every day was the same. We'd wake, feed, sleep, I'd sit around watching daytime TV and repeat, repeat, repeat. I felt like a drone.
Now I'm not saying mother's group wasn't great. It truly was. I met some lovely young mums there and I thank the health system for such a great platform for new mums to get together and talk "baby". But I found myself, in week four of our catch ups, lying in this test they did to see if I had PND. I was sat down (with my screaming baby mind you) and asked to perform a test so to speak. I've never been good at tests, but I'm great at lying, and this was one I passed with flying colours. Now I look back, I wish there was a better approach, a more one on one approach. Not just stuck in front of a computer screen and asked to rate my feelings on a 1-10 scale and I was PETRIFIED if I scored lower than 4, I would fail. I was already failing, so I didn't want an "average" test to make me feel any shittier than it already did.
As I walked out, I already heard a few mums chatting outside about how they felt the test was a "waste of time" because they passed it with flying colours, and immediately, I was one of them, on the outside I was anyway.
So, two years later it came back to haunt me, and even though I sought help (AMAZING help might I add) I still felt alone. Even though I had all the help in the world, I still felt empty and I kept my yearning for another child at bay because I was petrified this would happen again.
Fast forward another two more years, and I have found what I call a "village". They all don't know each other, but they know me, and are there for me at any beck and call. Some are a stones throw away (literally) and others are just around the corner, but I have found a bunch of girls that I can relate to and it's AWESOME. Chatting on messenger about how shit our kids are that day, what wine we are drinking and how we're going to get through the week is a daily ocurrance, and I LOVE it. Without these girls, I don't think I'd be in the same headspace. You know who you are, and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I may be a loud personality, but I find it bloody hard to express my feelings, so thank you, times a thousand...